Adventures in Lessons

This is part one of two.

Editing note - I wrote this up before I knew about the California situation so some wording can seem a bit weird, coincidental, whatever. But it may actually end up fitting along with what many experience right now. So has things worth considering for them too.

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Man oh man oh man. It has been a bit. A bit longer than I intended. Life has a way of doing that to us at times though, doesn’t it? Plan all you want, those go out the window at times. I wrote this blog up, and was going to cut a lot of it out since there’s clear frustration I’m venting, but that’s not why I do these. I’m a human, I have these feelings, and I won’t do this blog or broadcast all miss perfect.

Because as human sometimes we have a moment. We’re not perfect, and these are our stories to share with the world. To get out. To have as our legacy. This is my story and my life. When I share one of yours I won’t cut it down for the pc police and not to offend someone. Because that’s not real life. It’s what authors do - speak the characters accurately and truthfully. To show real life, sometimes it is gritty, bumpy, messy, and anything but shiny and happy perfect.

This is my own. I’m not always in a good space or happy space. I work out and through those feelings so I can process, grieve, move through, come out of the darkness, and shine once more. We all deal with it, go through it, and that’s just insecurities and me trying to fit myself into a box if I edit self too far.

So I won’t.

Or I wouldn’t be me.

So let me tell you a story. A bunch of stories. To span this week and next most likely to get you up to speed. This is gonna be all over the place, more so to get me back into it. Because I have been on an adventure in lessons the past month. Some maybe you could learn from as well. I would hope that I offer that in anything I post though. Something to learn from, to entertain you, to engage you, to make you think a bit.

After all, that’s what I do these blogs for, and this audio podcast. To tell stories.

I almost hate to call it a podcast right now, but I use the word because it makes it easy for people to understand what I’m discussing. Audio experience I like using to describe it. Audio version of my blog is another.

See why I don’t though?

Does any of that convey the right imagery?

Didn’t think so.

So, I stick with saying podcast and audio when I discuss this for now. For those new, and who I haven’t said this to, I’d set this audio up as a way for people to hear my blogs. To help people relax and just listen to a good story so they didn’t have to read the blogs. A new way to do them and all.

It was never meant to be a podcast, but it’s migrated into that because I love the idea of sharing stories from others through here too, not just my own. Because as I have said - stories change us. Whether it’s a casual story someone tells us, or a story/experience they’d had. Something we make up - fiction. Whenever we hear, or share a story, it changes who we are. Stories are that powerful. It’s why elders could teach us so much through their own. When I have more reader and listener stories coming in to share - I will feel more comfortable saying this is a podcast. At least for those listening to this, and not reading it on my site. I do have people who read these as blogs too.

Where have I been, and what’s been happening in my life as of late?

As many of you are aware, my brother and I had to move, and were pretty well forced into it.

Well, one of the lessons I quickly learned is how I should’ve anticipated that my natural low energy and stamina state right now, meant that I’d be too exhausted to do anything else but move last month. I couldn’t maintain my socials. I couldn’t maintain talking to friends. I could barely maintain coordinating the friends helping my brother and I move.

I mean, that’s something I’ve grown used to ensuring people understand anyway about me right now. That I have little energy and stamina, my body is always exhausted, and I am constantly fighting just to maintain daily chores because of it. So I don’t tend to promise to stick to a schedule for things, or keeping up on responses or otherwise. My low energy leads my brain to be foggy and forgetful too.

I have mentioned on here that sometimes I think the forgetfulness is something more. My family line has had plenty of mental aspects for illnesses. Whether it be things like my mom being a narcissist, and maybe her mom was as well, who knows. But I’m also referring to Alzheimer’s and Dementia sorts of things. Until a doctor officially says the memory issues are caused by X, Y, Z, I won’t know for sure.

But I don’t try to over-promise on what I can deliver right now for anything because of that very thing, which is why I post the blogs on Wednesday, and the audio I try my best to also post and finish at the same time to go out with the blog, even if I stay up late the night before getting it done.

However, I made the mistake of doing just that.

I broke a promise. It wasn’t an intentional promise, no, but for me my word is usually a promise. When I say I will do something, I do it. I carry out whatever I say I will unless something comes up, but I don’t like to not follow through with that. I feel it can be too commonplace. Oh, I know life got in the way, you got sick, totally okay. And yes, completely valid reasons can be a cause, and those can even be okay reasons. I naturally have a lazy brain and body that I fight against, and even mindset as I feel far too many do these days, so we can take advantage of those things. Not at first, no.

Over time, the “oh it’s okay, next time” can take over to the point we excuse ourselves into laziness. Oh, you missed one day on the diet. Okay, you’ll make it up next time. Oh, you did again? Totally cool. Suddenly we’ve given up on whatever we’re to be doing in favor of the laziness that can kick in.

Or maybe it’s just me.

I admit to having that laziness aspect, and my mind and body will full on revolt into that arena to fight against doing things, in favor of not. After all, it’s easier to do what is lazy than not because it’s the easy way out. Being good isn’t easy, but it’s better for us in the end. So doing the “easy” thing isn’t always good for us - choosing to laze when we’ve done it too much being the biggest example.

Could be other reasons contributing. I don’t discount that either. Not wanting to talk to someone because truthfully I no longer enjoy being around their cruelty and just don’t want to admit to it. Not wanting to give up certain foods too fast when deciding I don’t want to consume as much of a certain item. Many different things could fit here.

So I just don’t like to say one thing and break that word. We all know at times it’s unavoidable, but there is a level of trust that is broken when it happens a lot and over time. Or, when you’re attempting to build something. In this case, my blog and audio again, purposely attempting to get back into fiction. My word is often my bond, and an unsaid promise. If I say I will do it, or try. It’s the same as I promise to do so, and I can feel icky squicky not doing it. I can put myself in the shoes of the other side if it’s a person I do it to, and I don’t enjoy how it makes me look in terms of trusting my word.

The lesson I’d learned around that was the over-promise that I would try to post to socials or somehow keep up with updates on moving. Because that’s where I’ve been. Busy with moving out of my childhood home, and into a rental we found at the last minute. And dealing with another thing I didn’t discuss on here.

Well.

That was before my brother and I were told we’d have two full days to move, lots of help, and we ended up having effectively only maybe ten hours, a full on rush job to the point we threw many things into any vehicle of the people who helped us, and in trash bags. We went without the internet for I think a full week or a bit more. My phone especially decided on the day for the biggest part of the move that it didn’t want to work right so vital information trying to be sent, I’d have to restart the phone to send. Then do it all over again the next time.

On top of that, the last part of the move my body reached shut down and for over two hours maybe? My right foot and leg was in severe pain to the point I could barely walk on it, but you know me, unless it was cut off, I’d freaking drag that dang thing - I kinda was some of the time - to get work done. I didn’t have much of a choice.

I also became center point for the calls of what to grab, what to do with what, did all get grabbed I’d wanted from a certain section, pointing at what was being taken, told what to take, trusting that when I said it, that item would be grabbed - a lot of it wasn’t actually and we lost thousands in items we had to replace that we needed right away.

Which was another learning lesson. How valuable are certain items to you?

My brother and I really wanted to keep a few of the items that got left behind, and I feel like many don’t understand it wasn’t a typical move when I say we left behind items. It was frustrating because I would point and say “that” and walk off with the trust that it would be taken. Only to find out later on, it hadn’t been. It wasn’t items forgotten. It wasn’t items overlooked and left. It was a massive insanity rush and me trying to remember everything vital and necessary to take as I had many calling me, and I was dealing with severe pain and exhaustion.

I’m sure plenty would also enjoy pointing out that at least we kept a lot of it. We were still fortunate that we didn’t lose everything like if we were in a fire or otherwise.

Why people do that, I’m not sure. Allow me to be frustrated that I lost something my father gave to me, and other items like my bread machine, which yes can be repurchased as new and cheaper than it cost long ago, but that’s not the point. I used it daily. It was my bread machine. I constantly used it.

People are allowed to be frustrated at losing items they had marked to be taken. To grieve loss of material items that came about suddenly. That had been told to be grabbed. That is a loss. Maybe it’s silly to some to have any thoughts around losing a single material item, but allow me a second to grieve an unexpected loss of an item I valued a lot. When many things I can easily - and have mentioned on here - drop without a second thought. Even more so items that for others would have an extreme emotional attachment. Like items I didn’t use at least once a week or more and were important to me.

I believe I see too much of that these days, let it go, move on, quick, quick, quick. Oh, you suffered? Well “at least” you didn’t lose a limb. At least you didn’t lose your life. At least you still have food. Be grateful you still can breathe. Not all are so lucky. So that diminishes my experience? So it’s better that I get diminished, and my feelings? So it’s not allowed for others to have different experiences? To suffer when say, we have more than the neighbor, and still feel the same grief?

Third world problems anyone? And the rush to speed along and be happy about stuff, focus only on positive and happy!

Guess what? If I loss a valued item, and someone else does who has more money than me, or another does who has less does . . . it’s the same loss. It’s a loss. It’s a loss whether a person has money or not, has little or not. Has a different experience than another. We don’t all live the same, and while another looks at something expensive and believes the person bought it - it may have been purchased second hand, or given as a gift. So they may not be as “rich” as they look, while the one who looks poor, may be conserving money, and could be in fact the “rich” person.

I’m only using these as examples. Variables to everything and all. I just have seen far too much of people looking at someone and thinking dominishing their thoughts, their beliefs, their feelings, is the way to go these days. More so with the phrase, “at least.” Well, at least you feel good. Well, at least you can buy another. At least. Blank. Allow that space for that time to feel whatever, and experience it. Grief, loss, any emotion.

Let people grieve a loss, even of material things. Let people have a minute. Let people figure things out on their own. Stop offering a rush to get back to a happy and positive place or else. Offering words of encouragement, and positive happy happy joy joy things. That’s how it often feels. Pat yourself on the back, you’re still breathing! And if you’re anything but happy happy happy and grateful grateful grateful and counting your blessings with every breath, you suck.

Breathe.

Okay?

Now let me.

I apologize if many of us just need a second to come back to center and move on, and are worn down from gratitude and self help and happy vibes. Maybe why some get so unhappy? Is from people demanding them to get better and rush it along, to socialize, to get out more, to do all the things, to chop chop achieve something? Rush to be happy once more and jump up and down with gratitude? Tomorrow is a new fresh day to be a billionaire and climb a massive mountain, and go on a million trips, why wait?!

Do any of those people who do, not suffer? No. Do any of those chop chop get better and don’t worry over anything people, never suffer a loss? Or deal with the same we all do because you know, life? No.

Let people be a minute. Sorry if some of us suck to be around at that point. Avoid the unhappy and not always perfect people. I’m sure your life will be far better judgy-pants.

Theirs will.

A big frustration with losing a lot of the items we’d planned to keep close, and didn’t think we’d lose, and suddenly were without was having to repurchase items that shouldn’t have to be repurchased when one is attempting to save as much from the selling of a house as possible. We effectively spent one full rent payment just trying to ensure we got items lost that we both used daily, even for health-wise reasons.

So it’s not about being material, or spoiled, or ungrateful, or anything else. It’s a frustrating thing that happened and that came out of nowhere. We have been expressing gratitude out of our butts. Just because I don’t say it a gazzilion times doesn’t mean I haven’t been. I can feel two emotions at once. Frustrated and gratitude.

More so when we were told we’d have time to move and lots of help, which is why my brother held off on professional movers - another lesson learned. And in the end we didn’t have the help we were told we’d have, we were rushed, and we lost so much more than we should’ve. Everything ended up happening last second despite the planning.

My brother and I had plans to work each room. To go back through each. I made a notebook of items that were in the boxes I’d been packing so that though the outside said maybe my room and books were inside, there was in fact there hidden important items in those boxes so I’d know what needed to be kept close, and others had no idea what was in them. I jotted down every single box to keep immediately close so we’d have the basic essentials right away, and kept the notebook close to me. Some of those boxes, amusingly are still buried in the garage so a few of them were not kept as close and intended.

Uffda.

When I saw a particular number on a box when my brother and I were allowed to start to bring stuff over, we grabbed those and immediately got them to the house, hidden somewhere if important papers were in them, and ensured those especially didn’t get touched by anyone but us. Those are the things we are beyond grateful for.

So yes, we were constantly that final night saying how grateful we were for those things. How grateful we were for our neighbor’s help, and even the buyers because the two of them didn’t need to help us. They didn’t need to give us more time to stay in the house. There were plenty of things we were expressing a lot of gratitude for in the moment, and after. Still now. Even some items that I have found later on were grabbed I hadn’t said anything about, and was glad they were.

We were extremely grateful for our neighbor coming over that day, and offering to help with whatever she could, so I told her - the fridge contents. That would be amazing if you could focus on that for us. She even finished much earlier than the other help we had that first stage of moving so asked if she could help with other stuff so I had her bring over my houseplants. I was worried over the destruction crew helpers not knowing how to move them right.

The extra help we had were two who didn’t speak English, and who couldn’t read my notes I had on every counter, drawer, bookshelf, and more to ensure I didn’t have to micromanage anyone. So the buyers had to constantly explain everything and called me to ensure all was being done right. I used painter’s tape to label items to leave, others to bring to the rental. Many items my brother and I left behind in the end too because we didn’t want the mental energy or space taken to deal with. Like the expensive treadmill he had. The Bowflex. Pool table. Lots of little things too.

It was such a rush job that my desk was broken in the process of moving too so I had to fix it, and other items were as well. It was total chaos and a mess. My brother and I are beyond frustrated that plans went out of the window from many things discussed. I’d love to blame the buyers, but having been sitting for a break, I got to see one of them make a comment that told me all I needed to know about their own frustration at their other help they planned to have bowing out at the last minute. It was written all over his face, and in his tone when he spoke. I know they tried their best. They were good men. More so when I use that label “buyers” and ask how many of your own buyers were there helping you move?

Exactly.

But all those plans we’d been making beforehand was why my brother didn’t just hire professional movers, and a dumpster to clear out stuff in our way in the process.

I’ll continue this next week.

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Remember apparition weavers. Everyone is fighting battles inside nobody can see. Who are you willing to see today? And who are you willing to let see you today? ❤️